After all, I never knew
by Elizabetha Aradia
Summary: Hermione has decided to write down something to her best friends.....something that will change her forever and their friendship. But first she has to start at the beginning.....about what happened before she found out what she never knew.
1. The Explanation

_Some people say, 'what you don't know can't hurt you.' Well, I know now more than I did yesterday, and it does hurt me. And even though I never knew it, it has hurt me almost my entire life._

Hermione Granger looked up from the parchment she was writing on and sighed. _I decided to do this, now I will do this no matter what_, Hermione thought. She looked back down at the parchment and began to write again.

_The past seven years of my life have been the best I've ever known or will know. My friends, Harry and Ron, have always been there for me, and I have been there for them, through thick and thin, wonderful and horrible, tragic and hilarious. We love each other in a way I know nobody else who has ever graced this earth ever has. I love Harry and Ron so much that I would give my life for them. I owe it to both of them to tell the story that has led me to writing our story down. These are not the parts that I want them to know. These are the parts that need telling more then the battles or anything a history book might tell you. These are the parts of our collective lives that have shaped who we are and who we want to be. Everyone has these small encounters, and I am merely recording part of them._

Hermione's words drifted onto the page with ease, lulling her into a dark web of memories. She didn't start with what everyone would think... She didn't start at the beginning, but the end.

_I remember December of my seventh year at Hogwarts was the worst month of my life. I had been going with Seamus for almost three months when he broke up with me. Ron was threatening to knock Seamus off his block, and Harry was still in a state of depression, as much as I tried to help him reach some sort of peace, and every teacher had loaded the work on for the Christmas holiday. As most of my roommates were aware of, I was cracking up. Every night, I cried myself to sleep._

Hermione sobbed into her pillow, hoping that tomorrow would come, and she wouldn't die from being overworked. Though she knew that as soon as all of the school work let up, she would have more time to worry about Harry. He had stopped talking to most everyone, even in Snape's classes. Snape had taken more points from Gryffindor than he had in all six years they had been in his class because Harry would not answer questions when called upon. He would respond only with 'yes' or 'no' when it was possible, and the rest of his sentences were clipped and harsh. Of course, this was to be expected ever since the mass of deaths that had occurred: The Grangers, the Weasley twins, Cedric, Sirius and the explosion at Hogsmeade that killed fourteen people including Madam Rosemerta. Each killing was because of Harry, to get to him, and somehow, Harry felt that he could have prevented it, though Hermione would never understand why.  
Lavender had taken to coming into the room and bringing Hermione something to drink or eat when she was studying. A few times when she had heard Hermione crying at night, Lavender had crawled into bed with Hermione and held her. Hermione knew that Lavender meant well, though she half suspected that Lavender did it so that Hermione wouldn't keep her up at night. Either way, Hermione invited the closeness of it. She even ventured a few times to talk to Lavender, really talk. Hermione had told her of her troubles with Harry and the endless fights between Ron and Seamus. All Hermione wanted was peace.

"Hermione?" a voice ventured from the bed next to Hermione's. It was like a sweet, warm, dancing wind charm. Lavender. Hermione sniffled and let out a soft, "Mmmm?" She then heard the rustling of sheets as Lavender climbed out of bed and opened Hermione's bed curtains. Hermione half-wished she hadn't; she wasn't wearing much for pajamas. Though, at second glance, it didn't look like Lavender had much on either. Lavender climbed in without permission or hesitation. "You know, you shouldn't make it a habit to cry like this every night. It leaves dark patches under your eyes, and you look like the walking dead."

"Thank you, Lavender, for making me feel oh so much better," but Hermione didn't have a biting tone in her voice. She did appreciate the fact that Lavender cared about her appearance at least. But then again, she could just be worried about what other people think of who she associates herself with. Why would Lavender care any more about her than she had to? Though Hermione shouldn't think that, Lavender had changed a lot since third and fourth year. She wasn't such an attention-seeking, popular beauty. She wanted her share of influence over what happened in the world's future and had made that evident by helping aid those in the Hogsmeade crisis. She was turning out to be a wonderful mediwitch student.

"I wasn't meaning it to be…" but Hermione cut her off quickly.

" I know you weren't. I'm just a bit tired of everything that is going on. Life in general, you know the deal. Urgh... And Harry today... I don't think I saw him eat one thing at any meal. He skipped out on lunch and went straight to the commons."

Lavender brushed a lock of hair that was stuck to Hermione's face with tears. It was an amazing gesture. Hermione had to give her a thankful half-smile. Lavender lay across the bed facing Hermione, looking at her, waiting for her to say something, but Hermione looked away. This was the part where Lavender was supposed to give out advice.

"As far as I know, worrying doesn't help anyone. Like the time I thought that I was... Well, never mind... But still, worrying never helped anyone that was depressed."

"You think I'm depressed?"

"I think Harry is depressed, though I'd say you could be borderline," Hermione raised her eyebrows at Lavender. "I'm kidding. All you are is stressed. Stop worrying. Life will get better before you know it."

"But how do you know that? How do you know that everything won't go spiraling downward? Harry could die at any moment..."

"We could all die at any moment. Just because he has this interesting scar on his forehead doesn't really make him any less of a human. He could die, and yes it would be tragic, but that doesn't mean we should treat him as if he's on his death bed. Really, the way you and Ron treat him, you would think he was a time bomb." Lavender rolled over onto her stomach and brought her feet up behind her. "If you could possibly stop thinking so much about him and start worrying about things that take your mind off of him instead, then you could be better. Sometimes, acting like an air head isn't so bad, Hermione."

At this, Hermione snorted with laughter. Lavender had her days of being an air head, but Hermione understood what she was trying to say. Hermione wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and sniffled again. She looked at Lavender and smiled.

"Stop and smell the roses, right?"

"That's the only way to live, honey." With that, Lavender got up off the bed, quickly pecked Hermione on the head with a kiss, and leaped into her own bed. Hermione looked around her bed and finally decided that she had had enough worrying for the day. She fell asleep quietly.


	2. And He Speaks

The days passed by quickly as Hermione took on even more responsibilities. She tried her best in everything, excelling in school work as always and now taking to sitting with Harry as he stared into the fireplace. Ron would switch off shifts, when Harry went up to bed, so did Ron. Hermione even managed a bit of Harry's homework, she didn't want him slacking. But it was to be expected at least some. It was another night in the common room that Hermione sat staring at Harry. He didn't blink, he didn't move, he just stared at the flames whipping about in the fireplace. Hermione watched him for several moments before she reached out at touched him. She immediately regretted it; for Harry jumped like he had been touched with a hot iron. Harry looked at her for a moment and Hermione's stomach plummeted when she looked into his eyes. They looked cold and alone…..almost vacant of anything Harry. Her eyebrows connected in confusion and Harry quickly got up and left for the dormitory. Ron leapt up after him, touching Hermione's shoulder lightly as he went.

What could make Harry look like that? It didn't seem like what someone would look like while mourning. He seemed far, far away not at all himself. Ron reentered the room and walked over to Hermione.

"He yelled at me." Ron sighed slumping down next to Hermione.

"He spoke?" Hermione was surprised and even slightly happy. Harry spoke….. After many months of saying mostly nothing….Harry spoke. "What did he say?"

"His voice was gruff but….he screamed at me to 'Go away.' I just left without saying anything." Hermione hit Ron hard.

"You should have fought with him! Anything to get him to speak, even if he screamed….at least its some sort of emotion." Hermione sighed, it was useless and getting mad at Ron wouldn't change that. She leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. "He hasn't said anything at all to you has he? Not a thing…."

Ron smiled weakly but Hermione knew the truth. Harry hadn't spoke at all. Not to Ron, not to Hermione, not to anyone. Hermione was getting so fed up with Harry she could run up the stairs and shake him. But her better judgment said to wait it out….just a little bit more.

"I'm going to bed. Go back up with Harry….." Ron started to say something. "I don't care what he says just get up there and stay with him, he shouldn't be left alone. I'm going to study a bit more."

Ron got up and left. Hermione sat still, not opening a book. The common room had no one else in it but her. Hermione looked around, it was so silent…..too silent.

"Harry?" Hermione asked the silence. "I know your there."

The sound of a cloak swishing made had Hermione up in a flash, she turned and caught something in midair and pulled. A silvery, slippery cloak was in her hands and in front of her was a very surprised Harry. Harry's hair was tousled with static. Hermione let the cloak slip from her hand as she rushed to hug him but Harry stepped away from her. He looked afraid and as if he was broken. Hermione sighed, what could she do?

"Go if you must….but don't do anything rash. I don't want to wake up to you gone…..I wouldn't be able to handle that after everything…..after all of this…." Hermione was surprised to find her voice steady and tear free. Harry looked at her, blinked a few times and sat down at an armchair. Hermione was a bit stunned but sat down opposite him. She picked up a book and continued to read, stealing glances at Harry every few moments. He continued to look at the fire without saying a word. They stayed like that until three the next morning, Harry never moved and Hermione felt as though she'd pass out if she didn't get some sleep but she wouldn't give up.

"Is Ginny alright?" Hermione jumped about a mile as she heard Harry speak. She looked over to him amazed. He hadn't spoke all year and now he was asking about Ginny. Hermione proceeded with caution.

"I believe she is….she misses you Harry. She wants to be around you but she knows your wishes and she respects them. And she really wants to help you. Ginny hasn't been with anyone else since you…." Hermione peered into Harry's eyes and the pain in them seemed to lessen some. Harry suddenly got up, took his cloak and dashed up the boys stairs. Hermione sighed and got up, dimming the lights. Her bed was calling…..


	3. The Decision

"You did a wonderful job watching Harry last night." Hermione said to Ron. They were at breakfast, Harry was still sleeping and Hermione was upset with the way last night went….but at least he spoke. Hermione had resolved to talk to Ginny once they both had a free period. And of course, it would have to be a time when Harry couldn't see that she was talking to Ginny. Hermione did not need to lose Harry's trust.

"Oh thanks, it was really not that bad, he fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed." Ron said not catching the hint of sarcasm in Hermione's voice.

"Yeah I suppose the snoring was very annoying."  
"Harry doesn't snore." Ron stuffed his mouth with a bit of muffin, still completely oblivious.

"But you do…..Harry snuck out last night under the invisibility cloak, you nit. You let him get right by you. I can't believe you didn't check his bed. But thank goodness he goofed….I heard his cloak rustling and caught him." Hermione was a little ticked at Ron but she couldn't blame him for what happened. Ron was absent-minded and didn't think of all the things she did, she couldn't blame him for that. Hermione knew Ron was very concerned about Harry too. He had been up every night with Hermione and tried everything he could think of to win Harry over but nothing ever seemed to work.

Hermione looked at Ron, considering telling him what Harry had talked about the night before. Hermione then dismissed the idea; she couldn't betray a best friend. She had to keep the information from Ron. He had too big of a mouth sometimes and Hermione could never face Harry if he believed her to betray his trust.

"What happened? What did you do?" Ron was looking at Hermione wide eyed, he didn't even seem to care that he had let Harry from his sight.

"Well I told him I knew he was there and I pulled the cloak off of him. He sat with me for a few hours and then went to bed. I'm dead tired…..and its all your fault." Hermione knew her way out of this now. Ron would not ask her questions if he thought that she was angry with him. "I understand that its been tough for you but you just can't slack off that way….Ron we could lose him"

Hermione's voice broke Ron's heart when she said the last part. It was true they could lose Harry if they didn't watch over him. Harry had said he wouldn't come back to Hogwarts this year….and yet they all had. Hermione and Ron were both very sure that Harry hadn't forgotten his promise to them. Maybe Harry was just waiting for the right time to leave.

"I'm sorry Hermione, I really am. Look, I'll go back up to the dormitory and sit on my bed until Harry wakes up, I promise I won't leave." And with that Ron grabbed two more muffins and left the table. Hermione had gotten what she wanted; no questions as to what happened.

Hermione was trailing Ginny as she walked down the hall. Ginny turned a corner, so did Hermione. Ginny turned down one hall and Hermione took the shortcut to head her off, in doing so she found herself bumping into a very lumpy something. Hermione steadied herself so she wouldn't fall and looked around the passage. There was seemingly no one there but Hermione knew better then that. She whipped out a hand and pulled off a silky something from something solid. There in front of her in the cold, dark passageway was Harry. Hermione looked at him in shock. He stood looking at her for a moment, holding the Marauder's Map for dear life. Harry's hands were shaking with so much force Hermione thought for a moment that he was having a seizure.

"Don't you dare talk to Ginny!" And with that Harry pushed past her and through the passageway. Hermione stared after him, invisibility cloak in hand. Harry had obviously been tracking her every movement since he woke up. Ron was going to get a surprise when he went to check on Harry in the dormitory…. Hermione held the invisibility cloak in her hand and left the passageway, Ginny was going to have to wait. But Hermione would tell her what happened, she had to. Ginny had been losing sleep and getting so thin. She hadn't been the girl she was before Harry. She was no longer the Ginny that wanted to date around, she hardly ever laughed, her studies were all she worked on and she was seen carrying an old picture of Harry with her a few times in the common room late at night.

Hermione looked around the hallway, Harry had been watching her from the Marauder's Map…..she would never get to talk to Ginny…..something had to be done…..


	4. For the Worst

Hermione sat on her bed thinking of ways to get a hold of Ginny. She had to know….she had to understand what was happening to Harry. And Ginny had to be shaken out of her depression too….. Hermione had to take their fate into her own hands….she had to do what was right. Suddenly Hermione looked up; the perfect idea came to her. It was later but Ginny would be up and Hermione would be able to send her an owl without Harry detecting. Owls, or pets for that matter, did not show up on the map. Hermione got out of her bed and dashed to Lavender's bed.

"Lavender, I need your owl. I need to use her."  
"Go to the owlery."  
"I can't do that Lavender, I need to use yours." Hermione knew eventually Lavender would give in.

"Fine, fine…..I was writing a letter to Dean but…..whatever….go ahead." She sounded slightly angry but Hermione knew she most likely was just upset with Dean for standing her up again.

"Thank you so much." Hermione went over to Lavender's owl, Nettie, and offered an arm. The owl obliged. Hermione took up a notepad and wrote down a quick note.

_Ginny I need to talk to you about Harry. But it can't be anywhere on the Marauder's Map. There is a Hogsmeade weekend this weekend. I'll have Ron watch Harry. Do not make plans. This is urgent. Please reply ASAP. _

_-Hermione._

Hermione tied it to the owl's leg and brought her over to the window. "I need you to bring this to Ginny Weasley, if she doesn't answer, do not leave it anywhere, bring the note back to me."

Nettie clicked her beak as a sign of understanding and Hermione released her through the window. She sat at the window seat and waited for the tawny owl to come back. Nettie was back less then a few minutes later and Hermione quickly undid the note.

_I understand completely. I have no plans. We will meet in Madam Puddifoot's, no one will overhear us or think to look for us there. _

_-Ginny._

And it was settled.


	5. The Collision

Hermione kept her cloak around her as she looked around, hoping that no one would follow her. She had made sure that Ron would stay with Harry for the whole day. Hermione couldn't risk having Harry follow her into Madam Puddifoot's. Hermione felt terrible betraying Harry's trust like this but she had to do something about the way he was acting. There had to be something she could do. Hermione wouldn't admit it to herself but she felt that there was a void in her life with Harry not talking. Harry had always been the one that would either blow up or be perfectly fine with things…..he wasn't the type to be quiet about a lot of things….at least not to Hermione and Ron.

Life was difficult without Harry there to make things seem simple. Ron was more insensitive and upset with everything. What was the point in everything that was happening? Was there something else Harry wasn't mentioning? Was there something Ron wasn't? There had to be a reason. There had to be something Hermione wasn't getting. But as of now….she was doing what she thought was best. What was best in Hermione's mind was getting Ginny and Harry back together.

Ginny was already sitting in a corner with a mug of tea cupped in both hands. She still had her cloak and scarf on, Hermione guessed she thought this would be a quick meeting.

"Hello." Hermione said, sitting down and unwrapping her scarf from her neck. This place was muggy and full of incense; it reminded Hermione vividly of Professor Trelawny's loft.

"Hey, how are you?" Ginny looked up from her untouched tea and smiled weakly at Hermione. She knew it was fake, both of them knew it was fake. Ginny had long stopped smiling.

"Good. But we need to do this as fast as we can. I don't need Harry finding me here with you."

"What is it about? What did he say to you?" Ginny looked terrified, like Hermione had suddenly punched her.

"Its nothing bad, I promise. But I don't know what is up with him. He tried to sneak out of the common room the other day and when I caught him he sat with me into the morning. He asked how you were, he looked so hurt when he asked, Ginny. You guys didn't fight did you?"  
"He spoke to you? He asked about me? Oh….Hermione I don't know….he hasn't said a word to me, nor I to him. But he's been watching me….I know that. He's been watching from the Marauder's Map or from deserted classrooms. I just….I can't undo what he's done. I can't go to him and tell him I miss him because he'll just push me away even more. He's trying his best to save me. He really is Hermione….I just don't know." Ginny was on the brink of tears and Hermione suddenly knew what she was doing was the right thing. She had to give Ginny the news that Harry was still thinking of her, missing her just as she was missing him.

"That's all he asked. I told him that you missed him and that you haven't been with anyone else since him. He knows you love him. He knows everything that you've been going through because he has too." Hermione put a hand on Ginny's. "It'll be alright, Ginny. You both will get through this."

And with that Hermione got up and left.


End file.
